


Are you Trump or Biden in this scenario? Part Dos: The Bidenning

by ejdominus



Series: Joe/Nicky Political Sexy Times [2]
Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Puns, Bernie Sanders - Freeform, Crack, Fisting, Joe Biden - Freeform, M/M, Political innuendo, The Author Regrets Everything, You Have Been Warned, bernie memes, but i am on whole30, but i did it anyway, i lost respect for myself, i wasnt drunk this time, kamala harris - Freeform, so thats a different kind of insane, the sequel i begged myself not to write, the sequel no one asked for, usa politics - Freeform, you read that right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:15:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29186151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ejdominus/pseuds/ejdominus
Summary: I am once again asking you to read my nonsense as Joe and Nicky seduce one another with terrible US political innuendos. Covid isolation really does stuff to a person.I was visited by the fisting fairy of inspiration, here is my horrible contribution!
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe/Nicky/US Politics, Supreme Court/Nominees
Series: Joe/Nicky Political Sexy Times [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2143542
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	Are you Trump or Biden in this scenario? Part Dos: The Bidenning

It had been a few days since the stressful days of the United States’ November 2020 Presidential election and at last, it seemed that the country may indeed be rid of their odious orange tumor of the past four years. And while normally Joe and Nicky cared very little for American politics, they had been entralled like the rest of the world while awaiting results. In fact, the night of, Joe had taken it upon himself to distract Nicky with some very ridiculous yet highly effective political-pun-seduction.

Nicky still tingled at the memory of that night, and how oddly thrilled he had been by Joe’s always talented fingers whilst speaking of Joe Biden, and later, tantalizingly, Kamala Harris.

But of course, the political drama continued. While Joe and Nicky shacked up in a safe-house somewhere outside Berlin, waiting for Andy to finish with her training field trip she had dragged Nile on, they were again glued to the television coverage of the results. Nicky tried to get lost in an old Italian classic Joe had found for him while Joe did his best to distract himself with the still life he had set up, but alas, the United States’ political scene captivated them. This time, it was Joe who was incensed by the politicians opposing the results, backing up the orange buffoon's claim of voter fraud. 

He sat in front of the TV, huffing and throwing out curses in a mix of languages that they had used throughout history, which Nicky knew meant he was truly upset. But Nicky had a plan to distract Joe tonight, a gift of sorts that Joe had definitely been  _ hinting _ at wanting, and that Nicky decided to because of the silly political seduction lines he himself had concocted.

“ _ Tesoro _ ,” Nicky hummed as he stepped in front of Joe, stopping his last frustrated curse at the television in front of him, “turn off the TV.”

“ _ Hayati _ ! How can I? Do you hear what these  _ fottuti idioti _ are saying? Voter fraud? Do they not understand their own mail-in-ballot system?”

“Yusuf,” Nicky tried this time, dropping his voice an octave lower to signal his intent. It worked, as Joe stopped, perked up and stared up at Nicky from where he sat on the couch, taking in Nicky’s bundled up appearance -- puffy winter coat and thick mittens on his hands. “Turn off the TV.”

“Oh?” A small smile tickled the corner of Joe’s mouth, his eyes shining in excitement.

“Yes. I am once again asking for your sexy support.” Nicky crossed his arms and curled in on himself, trying his best to mimic a certain Vermont senator.

Joe barked out a laugh, his lovely dark eyes sparkling. 

“Never had a fantasy involving Bernie Sanders, but I might start now.”

“Well good, because I’m going to need your undivided attention.” Nicky made a slow show of slipping off the mittens, reached out with his unsheathed fingers to run his fingers through Joe’s beard, enjoying the groan it drew from his beautiful husband.

“You have it, my soul,” Joe sighed happily. His own voice dropped now, flicking off the TV and tossing away the remote.

“ Good. Because it's an  _ executive order _ .”

“ _ Oh! _ ” Joe leaned forwards into Nicky’s space, bringing his face closer to Nicky’s abdomen, waiting expectantly. “Is it now?”

“It is. Although, it hasn’t been signed yet. So, I’m going to need... _ your signature _ .” Nicky cocked at eye down at Joe, his own half grin breaking out. “Mr. President  _ Elect _ .”

“Of course,” Joe breathed out, bringing his hands up to ghost over Nicky’s jeans as we awaited Nicky’s next line to let him know what to do with them. “Is there a pen for me to use?”

Nicky reached out and snatched up Joe’s left hand, bringing it roughly to cup his growing erection in his jeans. 

“This one is available,” Nicky purred.

Joe got a dopey grin of his face as he palmed Nicky through his jeans. 

“This is my favorite  _ pen. _ ”

Nicky sighed, fluttering his eyes closed for just a moment to enjoy the sensation of Joe’s skillful hand on his cock. Those beautiful hands of his that Joe had been teasing him with for the past few days since their eventful election night.

Nicky could tell what Joe wanted, always could. Joe was not very subtle with his hints which Nicky found impossibly endearing. For the past several days while they waited to hear from Andy and for the final election results, Joe had been doing what Nicky best described as “seduction by hands.”

Joe doing whatever he could to display and show off his enchanting hands and their elegant digits to Nicky. Trailing those tapered fingers over his shoulder whenever he passed by him, increasing his use of hand gestures when he spoke about the idiot American politicians, and licking food off his fingers an unnatural amount of times. He was even less subtle when he kneaded bread dough one morning, shirtless while eyeing Nicky from across the room. After all, no one needed to be that loud when pounding bread dough with one’s fist.

“Perhaps I should...take the pen out, to  _ use _ ,” Joe said with a wink. He used those nimble fingers of his to part the puffy winter coat and begin to undo Nicky’s fly slowly, all while maintaining eye contact. But as he made to reach into Nicky’s boxers, Nicky snatched Joe’s hands and brought them to his hips.

“But before you do,” said Nicky while moving Joe’s hands over his hips towards his plush, round ass, dipping the hands lower to encourage Joe to grab his bountiful globes, “I want to make sure you know about another very important campaign issue you need to attend to.”

Needing no further encouragement, Joe reached down and grabbed a greedy handful of Nicky’s ass, growling possessively as he did. He kneaded them like he had that damn bread dough that never did end up getting baked into bread.  _ Someone _ had over-kneaded it.

“Oh!” Joe exclaimed when he felt Nicky’s surprise as his fingers dipped into his crevice. “What do you have here? Some  _ hidden ballots _ in your  _ ballot box _ ?”

Nicky suppressed a laugh, a snort escaping instead. But when Joe touched the base of the plug Nicky had inside him, he shivered and almost collapsed onto Joe. Joe’s eyebrows shot up towards his curls, intrigued by how sensitive Nicky seemed. But it was less about him being sensitive, and more about the rather sizable plug he had inserted in himself for this evening’s event.

“Nicky?” Joe asked, a hint of concern in his voice. 

“You see, Mr. President, there is a far more important issue at hand. This,” Nicky breathed through the pleasure rippling up his spine as Joe pressed on the plug again, “is not a  _ ballot box _ . It’s  _ the Supreme Court _ . And I need you to  _ pack it _ .”

It was Joe’s turn to get a wide smile on his face, holding back a laugh, but his eyes twinkling with the delight of a child in a candy store. 

“Pack it...with  _ five _ members. With the utmost urgency.”

“Five? But  _ hayati _ , that would make the number fourteen. It needs to be an uneven--”

“ _ Yusuf _ ,” Nicky used again to draw Joe back. It took a moment, but Joe caught on quick with a thoughtful, “Oooh,” followed quickly by an exclaimed, “ _ Oh! _ ” Accompanying it was an even wider, dopier grin.

“All  _ five _ members?” Joe inquired coyly, his fingers’ grasp on Nicky’s ass growing more eager and forceful as Joe’s desire grew with the impending promise. “You sure?”

“All five,” Nicky promised, leaning forward to kiss Joe’s forehead lightly. 

“Oh, my heart,” Joe growled. “Is it my birthday?”

“No, it’s your  _ inauguration day _ .” 

“Mmmm, Nicky!” Joe jumped up from where he sat, gripping Nicky tighter and pulling him up and into him before burying his face into Nicky’s neck to kiss and suck at the sensitive skin there. 

“Quick,  _ mio amore _ , let’s get to the bedroom so you can  _ pack  _ my  _ supreme court _ .”

“Mmm, you know, I’m forever going to call your ass the supreme court now, you know that right?”

“Yusuf!”

“Okay! I’m moving!” 

Nicky let out a string of unintelligible phrases in archaic forms of languages Joe and Nicky had spoken throughout their history from back when they were Yusuf and Nicolò. Joe smiled to himself, satisfied and thrilled, whenever he could reduce his composed, hyper focused husband of nine hundred years into the drooling mess he now was.

Joe admired Nicky’s prone form, laid face down with his hips propped up by a stack of pillows under his hips. His legs were spread wide, offering Joe his most favored and prized sight of Nicky open and exposed, his thick thighs trembling with the shockwaves of pleasure Joe wrung from him. Joe licked his lips as he studied Nicky’s puffy hole twitching around his three fingers gliding in and out. 

“Yes, Joe,” Nicky whined, grasping the sheets of the bed below, his sinful pink mouth hanging open as he gasped into the mattress. “Pack that supreme court. Pack it full.”

“Oh,  _ hayati _ , I am. It’s so tight, but I’m not going to stop until I get every member in. I’ll railroad them in if I have to. Swing the vote in my favor. I’m up to three now. Are you ready for the fourth?”

Nicky nodded eagerly, keening his approval.

Joe poured the lube directly onto Nicky’s hole and his halfway-pulled-out fingers, enjoying Nicky’s little jump at the feeling of the cold slick hitting his over-sensitive hole. Joe was painfully hard, and while a part of him simply wanted to pull his hand out and pump a load into Nicky’s open and hungry ass, he held back, savoring this gift Nicky had granted him. However, he did duck his head down to lick at the pink, abused rim, drawing a particularly delicious moan from Nicky.

“Time to  _ confirm _ the fourth  _ nominee _ ,” Joe sighed, gliding his slick fingers back in, this time with all four fingers. Joe moaned at the hot, velvety feeling of Nicky’s welcoming, pliant insides. God, how he loved this man, wanted to be buried so deep inside him that he would never know another moment without his heat surrounding him. 

He curled his fingers, delighting in how Nicky jumped and shouted at the way Joe pressed against his abused prostate. Nicky’s hard cock jumped, leaving a wet patch of precome on the pillows it rutted against. Hungrily, Nicky’s hips rocked back and forth, chasing the pleasure of Joe’s fingers and the friction of the pillow on Nicky’s weeping dick.

“Oh, my heart, your  _ pen _ is writing its own signature. Perhaps another executive order...for the  _ fifth _ nominee to be put in.”

“Nnn, yes, Joe, pack my court. Pack it. I’m ready.”

Joe gave a few more deep thrusts with his four fingers pressed tightly into a V-shape, twisting his wrist to make sure Nicky was properly opened. Joe could see the fine sheen of sweat that covered Nicky’s trembling body as Joe worked to wring another dry orgasm from his body. 

“So good for me,  _ hayati _ ,” Joe said lovingly with a hint of pride. How generous Nicky was for him, how open and willing. He had been wanting this for some time -- to take Nicky apart so intimately and play his body like it was his favorite instrument --, dropping hints shamelessly, but hesitant to ask for so much of his beautiful husband. But Nicky’s heart was generous, as was his desire to equally match Joe’s ridiculous political innuendo. 

“Here it is,” Joe cooed, biting his lip at the wet, debauched sight before him. He pulled his fingers partly out once more, tucking his thumb against his palm, and began teasing slow push in. His eyes drank in the sight and every little shake and shudder that ripped through Nicky as Joe pushed his fingers in and towards the widest part of his palm. Nicky was left speechless, gasping at the feeling of being so stretched and filled. Joe’s ears filled with the music of Nicky’s satisfied moans as Joe’s hand slipped all the way in, Nicky’s hole narrowing to clamp around Joe’s wrist.

Nicky cried out in dead languages, calling out to God and Joe, while Joe closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of being so deeply embedded in the man who held his heart. 

Joe gripped Nicky’s hip with his other hand, so tightly he could see the red finger-shaped marks he would leave behind if only for moments before Nicky’s quick healing swept them away. He felt such a possessive, all-consuming desire as he held Nicky still with his hand buried inside him. Curling his fingers down and twisting his wrist, Joe completed the fist inside his husband, and sighed. 

“How does it feel, Nicky? Is your court packed? Is it full?”

“Yes, Joe!” Nicky gasped. “Now ram those nominees through!”

God, these innuendos weren’t making sense anymore, but Joe could honestly care less in the moment. Instead, he pressed and prodded against Nicky’s prostate, determined to reduce Nicky into a puddle of desire and cries, twisting and thrusting his fist within his tight heat.

“Fuck, Nicky!” Joe relished in listening to the cacophony of moans and cries from Nicky, the sheets beneath his mouth damp with his saliva. Nicky was his instrument, and Joe would pull out every note and melody he could.

“Joe! Joe!” Nicky panted, over and over.

“No!” Joe shouted, drawing his fist halfway out. “Call me  _ President Erect _ !” With that, he shoved his fist back into Nicky’s accommodating, twitching hole, wringing an explosive, wet orgasm from Nicky. He grasped madly at the sheets, his eyes rolling into the back of his head, as he spilled over the pillows his hips humped against like a dog in heat.

Gasping, Nicky’s body went limp against the mattress, Joe’s fist still buried inside. Unable to help himself, Joe pressed against Nicky’s over-sensitive prostate a few more times, causing little sharp jumps of Nicky’s hips. Joe licked his lips at the sight.

“It seems your pen has leaked ink everywhere,” Joe mused, no longer making any sense with their double-entendres. “But I can sign this last executive order...with my  _ own _ .” Despite being an incoherent mess, Nicky managed a short snort of a laugh at that. 

Joe chuckled himself, giving Nicky’s full, round ass a hard slap with his free hand before slowly drawing his hand out of Nicky. Nicky whined at the loss, his abused hole winking at Joe. Joe knew he wouldn’t last very long.

Joe reached down and dipped his fingers in Nicky’s spend, scooping up what he could to slick his cock with. Then, he pressed the head of his cock to Nicky’s wet swollen, pink hole and pushed in easily. Taking hold of Nicky’s hips, he thrust in one go, snapping his hips back and forth a handful of times before shouting out his own earth-shattering orgasm as he pumped his cum into Nicky.

Exhausted, Joe collapsed on top of Nicky, lazily kissing at the back of his neck and licking the sweat collecting at the base of his skull where his hair began.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it, I had to pump in some extra ballots in your ballot box,” Joe whispered into his hair.

“I told you,” Nicky mumbled weakly into the mattress, “it’s not a ballot box. It’s the supreme court.”

“Well, it’s certainly  _ supreme _ .”

Nicky’s body shook under him, laughing. 

“Whatever you say,  _ Joe _ .”

**Author's Note:**

> Did you make it all the way through?? I am proud of you. Feed the author your horrified reactions, she's lonely.


End file.
